kbk | (no subject)

I suck and I do not care, I am drinking and I do not care, I hate the world but I do not care I do not care I do not care!

Grr. I didn't want to get up, and then I just - just! - missed the bus, and then I got to the hospital and didn't know where the hell I was supposed to go, because there isn't signage from the bus stop, and I found reception but the people were in back and I didn't want to wave, and then I found outpatients and I was like twenty minutes late for my appointment and, y'know, whatever, and I had it and he kept asking these really general questions and I kept going "um" and also he did not have obvious tissues which seems dumb. But that was the first assessment appointment and I am going back on Tuesday, half-1.

And sigh, and I am no good at anything, and also there is no money in my account and I don't know if I'm getting incapacity or not because surely it should have started by now but they sent back the letter demanding Graduate Endowment which I sent as proof and all the note said was "with compliments" and surely if it was wrong then they would have said "we need [x other thing]" wouldn't they? And then there's familia, and I just got through talking about old shit, and I don't want to sit down and eat with them, so I'm drinking and maybe that'll help. And I did a little bit of tidying in my room and I'm going to have to open the window because it is overly warm but that means getting to the window and taking the inner bit off and stuff and nonsense and it is all effort and everything sucks. So there.

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I think that may just be dole taking bloody long time. They do that. Nothing sinister, just very annoying.

Psychiatrists are not really qualified to deal with Whole People, so quality of their Human Interaction is very variable I find. Assessment is the major point and he is mainly there to refer you to someone who does less medical more fuzzy bits of the whole thing. Yes. Still, lack of hankies is silly.

Very annoying. Yes. Grr.

He was an all right guy, really, just. I don't like the uncomfortable silences. I don't like sitting there and going "um". He asked me about childhood memories and I couldn't think of any, because... I mean, what? I need specifics, I need things to riff off, I don't think about my childhood - which is probably a valid point of discussion in itself, if he'd bothered to follow it, but. Agh. Sigh. Etc. Drinking/chocolate/etc making me better. Is OK.

*clings*

When they are OK but a bit not helpful it is rubbish as you can't hate them, but on t'other hand they do not scar you and/or break confidences. Like when this guy I saw TOLD MY MOTHER what I had said about feeling lonely when she was spending lots of time with my dying stepdad because, y'know, rather missing the point of why I was having to say said thing to him? Luckily we bitched about him and I think I stopped my mother feeling crazed irrational unfair guilt but ye gods what a twat he was.

That is my worst psychiatrist story though other than lithium, so I do not have much cred in the Mad Pride evil-mental-health-worker contest. Grr.

*clings back* When you are assessed you will get more helpful things I think. With people who are trained at the talky bit not just the chemistry bit.

That is fairly evil, I think. My best story is just the Educational bloody Psychologist who thought we were working on my self-esteem (and didn't do much about that) and I was too scared to tell him otherwise. I told that one to the guy today; my history of counselling etc. He also asked if I'd had boyfriends, and I forgot to give him the sexuality rant, which annoys me now; I was too busy doing the "no, here is my embarrassing story of one night snogging one guy" to do the "omg whyfor boys?"

Sigh. Whatever.

*continues to cling*

Curse his heteronormative ways.

I think my Sex Life bit of my preliminary assessment form for psychotherapy said "My sexuality is a cruel irrelevancy" because I am a drama queen. So, um, that'll be fun when I have my appointment. It is their fault for asking.

Exactly.

I didn't get a form. I wish I had. I'm better at expressing shit on paper, even though I'm not exactly good at it; I'm worse in person. Sigh. But it is their fault for asking. And OK, some people get fucked-up about it, but they're idiots.

This is specifically psychotherapy forms for which I had to wait months, so they may be yet to come. It is quite wise in that they send multiple-choice ones and also one where there were gaps to answer basic questions about one's past and also "what are your biggest achievements" and other such cheering things. I had to be a bit flippant to get through it but I can prolly explain at appointment. I have an autopilot for therapy which I must unlearn as I can only talk about the things that screw me up least. Oops. Am hoping I get to poke my unconscious in wanky Jungian ways as I like Jung-wank more than Freud-reduction even though I think much of it is daft and sexist. Will be nice if is actual intellectual process. May scupper it all on first day by explaining my Theory of Smurfs, though.

But your Theory of Smurfs is excellent and obviously true.

Shit. Paternal just yelled at me because I didn't get up and go to the charity shop and he gave me a "you've had months and months, is this what you're going to do for the rest of your life?" and I just kept my mouth shut because my instinctive response to that would in no way have helped. So I'll have a little drink and I'll read a lot of fic and I'll apologise for this because christ you have enough people imploding at you. I'm not, it's all right, this is just an instantaneous reaction and I was already thinking about things to sort shit out so. it's fine. Just had to say it to someone. Lucky you, this comment was in process.

Therapist today says I am crazily need-to-be-neededish so your angst is clearly as oxygen to me.

My mother used to be a bit like that at me because of years of my dad. It is not fun when you know you're not merely idling but you have a brain that seizes upon such opportunities to be vicious to you. Well done on the achieving keeping quiet bit, as while your response would be valid the ensuing arg is usually tiring and stressful and if you're not up to it at the moment it presents itself is prolly not good. Sadly, such responses are always far more likely when one isn't in right frame for that conversation, which is why branes are clearly badly designed.

Smurfs not mentioned as I was tired and did crying, but it was quite good crying and meant I said much stuff that needed saying but can only really be said when weepy and not inhibited by sily things lik still having dignity. So good. yes.

i would not worry about it all. They are notoriously difficult to get incapacity. Even if you have been sectioned.

Things will work out all you have to do is keep re applying.

good luck!

p.s. Outpatient things are always difficult to find so don't worry about it :D

Bugger. It is all so much effort. *pouts*

thanks *hugs*