(no subject)

[kbk]

I suck and I do not care, I am drinking and I do not care, I hate the world but I do not care I do not care I do not care!

Grr. I didn't want to get up, and then I just - just! - missed the bus, and then I got to the hospital and didn't know where the hell I was supposed to go, because there isn't signage from the bus stop, and I found reception but the people were in back and I didn't want to wave, and then I found outpatients and I was like twenty minutes late for my appointment and, y'know, whatever, and I had it and he kept asking these really general questions and I kept going "um" and also he did not have obvious tissues which seems dumb. But that was the first assessment appointment and I am going back on Tuesday, half-1.

And sigh, and I am no good at anything, and also there is no money in my account and I don't know if I'm getting incapacity or not because surely it should have started by now but they sent back the letter demanding Graduate Endowment which I sent as proof and all the note said was "with compliments" and surely if it was wrong then they would have said "we need [x other thing]" wouldn't they? And then there's familia, and I just got through talking about old shit, and I don't want to sit down and eat with them, so I'm drinking and maybe that'll help. And I did a little bit of tidying in my room and I'm going to have to open the window because it is overly warm but that means getting to the window and taking the inner bit off and stuff and nonsense and it is all effort and everything sucks. So there.

Comments

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

This is specifically psychotherapy forms for which I had to wait months, so they may be yet to come. It is quite wise in that they send multiple-choice ones and also one where there were gaps to answer basic questions about one's past and also "what are your biggest achievements" and other such cheering things. I had to be a bit flippant to get through it but I can prolly explain at appointment. I have an autopilot for therapy which I must unlearn as I can only talk about the things that screw me up least. Oops. Am hoping I get to poke my unconscious in wanky Jungian ways as I like Jung-wank more than Freud-reduction even though I think much of it is daft and sexist. Will be nice if is actual intellectual process. May scupper it all on first day by explaining my Theory of Smurfs, though.

[kbk]

But your Theory of Smurfs is excellent and obviously true.

Shit. Paternal just yelled at me because I didn't get up and go to the charity shop and he gave me a "you've had months and months, is this what you're going to do for the rest of your life?" and I just kept my mouth shut because my instinctive response to that would in no way have helped. So I'll have a little drink and I'll read a lot of fic and I'll apologise for this because christ you have enough people imploding at you. I'm not, it's all right, this is just an instantaneous reaction and I was already thinking about things to sort shit out so. it's fine. Just had to say it to someone. Lucky you, this comment was in process.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

Therapist today says I am crazily need-to-be-neededish so your angst is clearly as oxygen to me.

My mother used to be a bit like that at me because of years of my dad. It is not fun when you know you're not merely idling but you have a brain that seizes upon such opportunities to be vicious to you. Well done on the achieving keeping quiet bit, as while your response would be valid the ensuing arg is usually tiring and stressful and if you're not up to it at the moment it presents itself is prolly not good. Sadly, such responses are always far more likely when one isn't in right frame for that conversation, which is why branes are clearly badly designed.

Smurfs not mentioned as I was tired and did crying, but it was quite good crying and meant I said much stuff that needed saying but can only really be said when weepy and not inhibited by sily things lik still having dignity. So good. yes.