kbk | (no subject)

Fuck.

I have piles of things that I have to sort out. I've done fuckall all day.

And now there's this message in my inbox telling me that there are lots of teacher-in-the-community places going. But. oh god. I could but I can't but I could but I can't.

Suddenly I feel like I have this choice. Like I'm at a fork in the road. I can go for one of these places, and probably get it, because I have the relevant experience and history with the organisation. Or I can stay here and join the psychotherapy group for at least a year and maybe sort my head out.

And I want, I want, I want to be sane. I do.

On the one hand, it's Renfrew and living here versus exotic-locale and feeling useful. But on the other hand, it's potentially sorting out my head and thus being able to become an adult who lives like a regular human being versus a half-assed gap-year-type-thing which is something I've already done and will only put me further in debt.

And oh, crap, paternal just came in and I agreed to go on a walk with him tomorrow, so I should sleep very soon. But he didn't notice that I'm tearful because my hair now covers my eyes. Score.

God, I don't know what to do. I don't. Because there's everything that made me debate doing it the first time and it's just all so much worse now and I don't know what to do.

So I'll sleep on it. Maybe flip a coin if I haven't decided by, say, Sunday. Because as soon as the coin's in the air, you know which way you want it to come down, don't you?

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It's a sucky feeling, yes:(. Not knowing if you're capable. Augh. *sympathises*

*pouts* And I was just-about-capable six months ago, and I shouldn't really be less so now, but... As you say, Augh.

The "half-assed gap-year-type-thing" is a legitimate choice and valuable and totally not to be unchosen purely on grounds that it is insufficiently sensible. Your mental health likewise is valuable in itself and not merely as part of the Protestant Work Ethic, (even though the latter appeals to me for the first time ever after David "call me Dave" Cameron dissed it from his cosy position of having enough money to do so). You could have an explore of worthwhile things nearer to home maybe that could be done in conjunction with psychotherapy as that way you can look at options properly and charity shops are utterly valid but sometimes there is too much Thinking Time. And also hiding from family could be legitimate reason to be far away because it is not wrong to want to hide from people and does not show hate or evil. She said trying to convince herself in shameless hijack of comment.

True. All true. And you have highly legitimate reasons for hiding from family. And. And. It's not so much that it's insufficiently sensible as that I did it already and it didn't get me anywhere, except it kinda did but it... *sigh*

*clings*

Hiding is legitimate if you need to do it and that is all there is to it. Thus I have ordained it.

You do not need to get anywhere if the thing itself is good. Really.

The thing itself is unfortunately complicated. And at the moment, I seem to be thinking of the bad parts - the number of people that are involved, the stresses of living with strangers, especially in a country where I don't know the language, even the lack of internet... ack. sigh. I'll let it percolate a little longer.

Those are proper considerations, yes, which is why the others are unnecessary complications to a thing already quite hard to decide. Your brain should not explode for that would be bad.

Do you want to come to our flat warming in Stirling on the 3rd (Next Saturday)? We'd love fo ryou to join us. it might prove a temporary distraction if that's what you think you need.

Yeah. Why not. Could be fun. :)