So, my neighbour plays this sleep-music. At least, I assume that's what it is, because I've been hearing it at night; and I only hear a bit of it, and it's only when it's quiet outside... but that's when I'm trying to sleep, and it bugs the crap out of me.

So I'm wondering if it would be politer to write a note or to knock on the door and attempt talking. Because maybe he's trying to drown me out and we're getting into an escalating situation; I mean, I doubt it, but maybe my music was a little loud earlier, I dunno.

Crap. Bugging. Bugging the crap. Part of the reason I stayed up horrendously late last night and so wound up sleeping all day today instead of going to Key. Agh.
Today I left the house and ate with familials, it was actually quite nice. Then I went to shops and could not get the music I wanted (so have ordered off internet and paid for fast delivery) (and did not impulse-buy a treble recorder and music, but have now bid on ebay for same) and bought (only) two balls of yarn (Debbie Bliss cashmerino chunky in dark grey) (but there was an awful lot of Donegal Tweed in the bargain bin, I wonder...)

Also I have offered a thing I knitted on help_haiti, here. Oddly scary.

Um, stuff. I have been sleeping too much and not eating enough actual food. But my drains are still working, so that's something.
*iz ded*

Got up at eight, which is an obscene time on a Sunday morning, to find toilet overflowing. Finally got the pipe working again around half-eleven, at which time dad arrived (it was kinda spooky, actually) and wanted to start work on the other pipe, so I hung around watching and fetched and carried. I have been up and down those stairs at least two dozen times today and I am TIRED. Yes, I know I am unfit, I plan to work on it, but this is not the way to do it. Also five of those trips were carrying a big bucket of water down to the drain in the road. Anyway. Dad left a bit after one, having unblocked that pipe as well, and bought me some more gas, which is good. I have poured warm salty water down the sinks. The bathroom still smells bad.

I am just back from the shop, because I was in dire need of caffeinated sweeteners (aka diet coke) and food with instructions on it. My legs are sore. I may take a nap now. Of course, a nap now could turn into sleep until tomorrow, but I am a bit incompetent without enough sleep. Last night I nearly gassed myself because I went downstairs and found the blowtorch not working because of cold, so I brought it back up, and forgot to actually turn it off until I smelled it. Sometimes I think if I was braver I'd totally have won a Darwin award by now, because I may be intelligent but that depends on me actually thinking about things.
I just went outside twice and up the close once (which is not that far from outside, really, given the non-existent back door and broken window).

Not because it is snowing again (though it is). Not because there is a loud party across the way (though there is). No, the plumbing situation has deteriorated. Previously the toilet still worked, but I found it with the bowl full of water (found it by sitting down and getting a wet bum) and so I scooped water out and emptied the bucket in the drain grating round the corner. And then did that some more and got some of the water out of the shower as well, and emptied that. And then put notes through the doors of both neighbours directly above me. I probably should have done that Thursday night; or, actually, gone and said something, because I had a big flood which I'm assuming was someone emptying a bath - it seemed like a lot of water all at once. But the fear happened. Sigh.

My much vaunted independence has taken a blow in light of the lack of toilet facilities. Oh well.
Ohhhh my. It is cold. It is very cold. I just discovered I have ICE on the INSIDE of my front windows. Admittedly the heating has only just come on, but seriously. Ice. Inside. That's not fair.

Also not fair: I went out about nine this morning to go to Key, only to be told when I got there that they are not open. (Also, one of the staff called me 'petal', and I can think of very few women less petal-like than myself.) So then I came back via the shops, which is good because now I have money on the gas and more food. I did not fall over but there were a few slippy bits.

I have been out the last two days but that was in the afternoon, which was cold, but not quite as bitter as this morning, which was quite a shock to the system.

The drains are not working very well, so I emailed my landlord aka father and he as suggested I could go stay in their house until the weather improves. That would be warmer, but then so would the fiery pits of hell. Probably I will not tell him about the ice inside the windows as then he might try to insist and that could be unfortunate.

I am going to change my heating strategy. I have had it on full, only part of the time. I think it would be better to have it permanently on low, with more as and when. *nods*

I hope you are all warm.
ARGH. So my debit card ran out at the end of November, and while I knew this was going to happen I forgot about it until I tried to use a cash machine a few days into December. A few days later, I managed to get to the bank and stand at the counter for what seemed like a very long time while the woman consulted with other people (she was very nice about it, btw) and found out that apparently another card had been issued two years ago which was why I had not automatically got a new one, because one was still active even though I don't remember ever getting it and never used it, unless they were talking about my credit card which I got about then (but they shouldn't be, surely) and then I got some money and went away to wait. And my card arrived a few days ago.

So today, having just about run out of the money I got that day (and having previously worked through my emergency stash and stupidly not replaced it) I went to the cash machine. It said my PIN was incorrect. Now, the letter with the card said my old PIN would be used unless I requested a new one, so I'm thinking one of two things has happened. 1) the old PIN they copied was from the card that I never used, which may not even exist, or 2) the woman at the bank requested a new PIN and I just haven't got it yet. I pessimistically expect it to be the former, so I am going to go to the bank tomorrow and attempt to wrangle some kind of resolution. Just, just, argh.

And I barely slept last night and I had to wash my hair in cold water this morning because my gas money ran out and I couldn't seem to access the emergency credit even though it said I had some and I've been around people all day and I made a stupid mistake giving money to a shop assistant and and and... and probably dad will be over in a bit unless I call to deter him. And one of the women at Key gave people presents and she gave me a matching hat-and-scarf-and-gloves set, which, meh. She probably bought it before I started bringing my knitting in, which is something, but I like the hat and scarf and gloves I have even though they do not match. And it is really fucking cold outside. And I will go before I find anything else to complain about.
I have curtains that block out the light! This is rather marvellous as I have streetlights right outside. I got the blackout material off ebay, picked it up from the house at the weekend (because I got it sent there by mistake through clicking through paypal too fast, sigh) and this morning I got up and I took the curtains down and I cut bits of material off the roll and then I took them all to Key and I sewed them together and it took like three hours but it got done. Also I now have a few metres spare blackout fabric. Anyone want?

I got a letter from the cooncil saying my housing benefit claim has been rejected because of a system error. I think it is that it is now a month since I first applied and no decision has been made, but that is because I don't have a doctor's letter yet, so once that arrives I will go to the office and go Argh at them.

Um. I'm pretty sure there was other stuff but nothing comes to mind, so.

ETA: I have done accumulated dishes, and put on a load of washing, and I was feeling all domestic and such and then I managed to dribble fruit tea all over the place. What's worse, it's pink. Sigh.
The wind is high, and
Some great beast of the treetops
Roars its displeasure.


Bah. The weather is horrid, there are big puddles and my boots are not exactly watertight.

But now I am home and curled up under my duvet and I don't have to go out tomorrow. yayz.
YEAH, BOYEE! OH YEAH! I have Internet in my flat!

The guy came around lunchtime, and the modem was connecting but internet wasn't happening, and he asked if I knew anyone who was good with computers and I said yes, since I do, and he told me to call them because he was ok but mostly he just has to plug stuff in and it works.

So, I faffed around a bit, tried the wifi thing, switched off the firewall, tried my old laptop (which I am on at the moment), switched things off and on again, went away for a bit and read stuff, then came back and tried again and finally it is working! I will want to set up the wi-fi and get my good laptop connected but right now I am totally satisfied with this.

Oh yeah. I'm back.
I have finally ordered internet for the flat! should be installed in a couple of weeks, fingers crossed.

Also I have packed up a few more things, crushed a binbag full of bottles, and disturbed enough dust to have me sneezing a lot. My nose is sore, I have blown it so much.

It finally feels like I'm getting there. I mean, sure, I still have two bookshelves to empty, but there's... not that much else.

I was in town Friday afternoon sorting out stuff at the bank, which really needed done. Also went to my woman at the JCP and round the houses to get my bus ticket, so the walk home was fuelled by thoughts of lying down for an hour or two with my laptop. And then Dad was there and asked about it and suggested I go do something else, and I snapped a little, which I feel is allowable.

There does not seem to be any chocolate in this house. That is ridiculous.
I came over to house last night and promptly got eaten by the internet; stayed up all night reading crap fic, slept all day, did not actually do half what I meant to; parentals have gone out both evenings; planned to get the bus back while they were out but failed and am now waiting for them to come back so I can get a lift.

Argh. Money issues etc continue, but I finally got my arse into gear and went and applied for housing benefit, which is a good step, and I phoned the gas company to change over the account (the electricity had an online thing and oddly enough got achieved like a month ago).

I have way too much stuff. I am now at the point (again?) of throwing my hands up and saying, jesus, too much, may as well just throw all this stuff out because I won't even notice 95% of it is gone. Which is not entirely true but it damn well feels like it.

I re-read 'The Fifth Child' by Doris Lessing, which was an odd experience. It is a book I did for Higher English; it creeped me out quite a lot at the time, which stuck with me through, christ, ten years. On re-reading, I managed to identify a few of the issues which freaked me out so badly, stuff about the destruction of the family, the danger of maternity (I have this whole irrational issue linking femininity to death) and suchlike. Also of course this was just after my mother died. Anyway, I re-read it from a more analytical perspective and hope that has helped; but it was odd because I must have read it a dozen times, and before I picked it up I couldn't have told you more than the bare outlines, but I kept recognising parts of it and feeling like I could have quoted them by heart.

Anyway, then I read the sequel, 'Ben, In The World' and I enjoyed it quite a bit. It's kind of odd, again, especially reading them in the same day, because in the first book Ben is basically your archetypal changeling/monster child, and then in the second he's the central sympathetic character. He's still depicted as being 'wrong' but it leads to him being taken advantage of, etc, and it's a very different perspective on the character. I guess that's part of what makes a Nobel-winning author.

Also I watched the Star Wars trilogy, again, and I realised something. The rebel base at the end of the first film, the outside is filmed at Tikal. Which I have visited. I have watched the films before and since, but I don't remember noticing before. I was just looking at it, just when they return from destroying the Death Star, I think, and thought, those bits of stone temple sticking up out of the trees, those look awfully familiar... So I have been to Yavin IV.
I have anger issues. I have emotion issues in general, but particularly anger. Unfortunately talking about these with stupid-therapist-man seems to be making me freak out more often.

Also packing up yet more shit from my room I found a photographic record of self-harm from my first year at uni.

Money worries, etc. Epic procrastination, etc. Despising of self, etc.

At doing-things-thing the upholstery and soft furnishings have merged, and SF is full of older women, which is agh. I was doing wood-stain and varnish on Thu, though, that was pretty fun even though (or maybe because) it involved toxic and highly flammable chemicals.
I am at the house, came over yesterday, am totally leaving tomorrow because with every day I spend in the flat - even failing to feed myself properly, lacking internet, having insufficient curtains and street noise and etc and more - even with all that, I am so much more relaxed and contented there than I am here. Even with internet. Not that I don't miss you all when I'm gone, but there are a couple of places in town with free wi-fi if I ever get really twitchy, and I am going to organise it for my flat very soon.

I own so much crap. I mean, so, so much stuff that I don't need, that I don't touch from one year to the next, but I don't throw it out because it might be useful, or, whatever. Ugh. Argh. Etc.
I have been at the flat since Sunday; I have painted and constructed and cleaned; also I have noticed things that got forgotten, like the cooker hood that is particularly necessary since that window doesn't open.

I have been to Key to do upholstery twice now - did I say about that? it is for mental people to do things and maybe be a path to work. Mostly I have been cutting out cushion covers. Um. It is OK? I go small and quiet and then I kick myself for it.

Also I went to the doctor, because I had run out of drugs, and it was not my normal doctor, and I thought it might be the same one I saw the other time it was not my normal one, who was forty-ish plump Indian woman; and then it was this tall-dark-and-handsome well-dressed guy about my age, the sort who I would be totally intimidated by in a social situation and I had to talk to him about my anti-depressants and contraceptives. So that was fun.

And I started this post several hours ago but then the internet ate me and now I am going to attempt sleep, probably.
Flat is now basically ready for moving in, so that will happen gradually over the next week or two. This means I have to do something about the shite all over my room here. This is effort. Also I need car & driver for a trip to IKEA and a few trips to the flat.

Also everything is happening at once and I do not know how to deal with half of it and agh, stress.

*eats chocolate*
The night before last, I slept at the flat; I did not sleep well, but that was good because it meant I was awake when the cooker was delivered just after seven a.m.

Yesterday I had the back of my right wrist stabbed repeatedly with a tiny inky needle.



Today I was at the flat again. The carpets were delivered (and one of the delivery guys said he wanted to be my friend and asked for my number and I said OK but I did not answer when he called later and now I am, um, confused and indecisive) and later a guy came and fitted the cooker, so it works, and then Dad and I made attempts at putting down underlay and fitting carpet and discovered I had forgotten about the doorways when I measured so it is not quite big enough really. And I noticed that Colours Matt in Lemon Ice, and Colours Matt One Coat in Lemon Ice, are not actually the same colour and it shows in artificial light, which is a bitch because I fixed bits on one with the other, so now I basically have to repaint the whole hall.
I am going to sleep at the flat tonight! which means I will not have internet (booooo). The cooker is getting delivered ridiculously early tomorrow (7-8.30, they claim) so, yeah. This afternoon I went smashy smashy with hammer on the ugly cupboard doors that I took down the other day, and then painty painty made hall ceiling yellow, and then tidied up, then some more painting, then played with goo (otherwise known as decorator's caulk, for filling up little gaps).

Carpet is supposedly getting delivered Thursday morning, so I may just stay over there tomorrow night as well. But lack of internet is a problem.

Breaking the doors was good fun, and I think did more for my mental health than talking to Mr Man earlier. He is OK, just I hate the whole therapy process which is not really helpful.

Hm. Things. I only have an hour or so left to fit in vital internets! I don't know what to do first!
I just measured myself and it was depressing even though I don't really care about these things. And I already knew I had a big head, I shouldn't be annoyed that I apparently take an XL. (This was what prompted the measuring; I was randomly looking at hats and didn't know what size I would be.) I'm allowed to be annoyed that my latest ebay purchase probably won't fit because I misremembered my waist, though. Meh, bah, etc.

Parentals have buggered off for the week which is quite nice really, except for the part where the flat is so close to done we could probably have finished it this week if they hadn't; also sister was here for a couple of days and we took stuff to the flat and went to Ikea (and I managed not to buy anything! ...this time)

Today I ignored the phone then I got out of bed and took two buses to see psychotherapist-man and found out he had called in sick, which was what the phone call was about. Actually I was quite happy about that because I was not in a talking mood at all, so I went to the flat and did a little cleaning and a little plastering and finally took the horrible doors off the cupboard, which I wanted to do months ago but paternal stopped me for reasons that apparently made sense to him. Then I went to B&Q and did not actually get the paint I went for because it was not on the shelf and of course I could not ask a person, but I did get the other stuff on my list; also I saw a quite cheap big playmat with roads on which I may have to buy instead of a grown-up rug, for the time being at least. I can has style, dammit.

I plan to do stuff tomorrow but it depends on me waking up. Also on the weather. It rained today and I would not have left the house if not for the appointment that I didn't really have. I think that is fair. And if I sleep tomorrow I should wake up the next day. So. Yes.
I have been reading some of my old fic - for some reason a couple of people recently favourited one of my HP stories, which made me look in my feedback folder, and I looked at a couple of other things in there and one of them was for a story I did not remember in the slightest, so... Anyway, I really like some of them, mostly from a few years ago, once I had some experience. I can see odd things I've done wrong, or would like to do better, but I like them. Obviously they're tailored to my sense of humour, my idea of a good story, but I still think there's some genuine quality there, and it's really weird for me to think that about something I've done.

In other news, I now have a washing machine and a fridge in the flat, respectively bought from a charity shop and acquired from a colleague of Maureen's. Flooring is due at some point but I believe has been pushed back to next week sometime; painting is progressing but I want to do another coat in the front room, which apparently makes me a perfectionist. *shrugs*

And tomorrow I am going to take a look at a place which gets mental people making furniture and suchlike, and maybe I will start going there. And maybe I will manage to make a phone call. And, shit, I really have to get an appointment at the doctor's because I have now run out of drugs as well as pill.
This week we have been working on the flat, basically full-time, which means I've been getting woken up at nine a.m., which is nasty. Yesterday, though, the parentals were meeting someone for lunch, so we did stuff in the morning then they went out.

I lay down for a nap around 1 p.m. I dozed for a while, then I slept, then I dozed some more, and I didn't actually get up until 11 o'clock this morning, when we went out to look at flooring and bought some for the back room and bathroom (will be delivered, some fitted, on Thursday.)

Anyway, lots and lots of sleep was really nice; also reminds me that when I sleep all day it's not just lack of motivation, it is actually that I seem to need more than 'usual', given I've been sleeping eight hours a night all week.

Oh, now we're going over for a little while more to fit some skirting. Whoo.

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June 2012

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