(no subject)

So I've been going through my pictures from Mexico, and I. um. Ow. I'm sort of sitting here going, OK, so that's why I didn't get round to doing this earlier. Because the nostalgia is actually painful. Remembering the good stuff reminds me with startling clarity how stultifying my life is right now. And of course remembering the shitty stuff just makes me feel shitty.

So. Yeah.

And of course I'm all nervous about starting this course in a few days, and I have this list of things to do that I'm just ignoring, and last night my sisters were here and we were at the nycos concert and I was so fucking jealous of G because she was singing and I was just in the audience.

And sometimes I get so mad at myself, because of the things I do, or I don't do, but I never change anything. I don't...

Also, it's been kind of a topic in group the last couple of weeks, why I don't talk about Mum much, with my family etc. So I'd thought, maybe, but then, honestly, how do you open a conversation like that? That is... if I was writing it, I could give a dozen scenarios, from natural to awkward, but I didn't use any of them. Maybe I'll just plan on a drunken christmas.

Sometimes I'm proud of myself, of things that I've done. Unfortunately those times aren't common. I don't even know what I'm doing any more. Blah. Signing off.