(no subject)

[kbk]

It is very close to ten years since my mother died.

I still cry just at writing that.

I'm stuck, somehow. I spent a few years in denial and I'm still in anger; maybe it's just that I know how ridiculous bargaining is and can't actually get there. Then there's depression and then acceptance, which at this rate I might reach by the time I'm fifty, an age which Mum didn't quite reach. And I'm not going to intellectualise into models of grieving because I know that's one of my avoidance mechanisms.

I miss her. I feel like I don't remember her well and didn't know her as a person, and feel guilty because of that. I think she'd be disappointed in me. I think she expected more from me than what I've done. I think if I could talk to her now she'd tell me that was ridiculous and she just wants me to be happy. But I can't even do that.

I'm probably going to the cemetery with Dad. I should check trains because I would like to spend some time by myself as well.

I have checked trains and will not wind up stranded, which is good.

Dad said yesterday afternoon that he thinks of the date as the 18th. I think of it as the 19th, because I was woken early in the morning and given the news. I guess he was awake most of the night.

It took seven years to get her name on the stone. I'm still pissed off about that. Dad says... something about it seeming so final. Which, given that by then he had already remarried...

I am still. So. Angry. And of course I'm all kinds of twisted up over that, some of which is actually Mum's fault; because she wasn't perfect, but I don't care because she was mine.

Her dad died when she was a teenager. She was seeing Dad, maybe even engaged, when she was my age; married with two kids by the time she was my sisters' age (they're both married but don't plan on kids).

I'm a mess. And I miss her.

And now it's nearly five, which is roughly the time on her death certificate, so I'm going to lie down and pretend to try to sleep.

Comments

[wishfulaces.livejournal.com]

I wish there was something I could say. Not to make it better because nothing could, but I wish I could say more.

You have all my sympathy.

[kbk]

I know what it's like to not have the words.

Thank you.

[turtlebat.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I think it is one of the suckiest things that can happen.

It's strange, reading your post how similar your feelings are to mine in a similar situation (14 yrs in 12 days time). Not to diminish them, but to acknowledge that they're not wrong or a particular failing of yours.

But all situations are obviously unique and the pain and sadness of each has its own special qualities and provides individual reasons for anger and heart-breaking wretchedness.

So, I wish you some peace and comfort. I'm sorry I can't do more. and *hugs*

[kbk]

There was a book called, iirc, Motherless Daughters, that I read a while ago, and some of the accounts therein really hit close. It's somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone.

Thank you. *hugs*

[quasi-modo.livejournal.com]

I lost my dad ten years ago april, healing is very hard when you are depressed anyway.
I have not gotten over it but I have got used to it it gets easier btu you have to let it

Thinking of you
xxx

[kbk]

Of course, letting it get easier is hard because it feels like forgetting, even though it isn't. I am glad you are getting there.

Thank you.

[safetypinrosie.livejournal.com]

I felt like I lost a part of me when my grandad passed away: I can't imagine what losing a parent is like. You have all my sympathy too (not terribly useful to you but you're going to get it never the less)

xxx

[kbk]

Thank you never the less.

xxx

[khalinche.livejournal.com]

I'll be thinking of you.

*many hugs if you want them*

[kbk]

*accepts hugs gratefully*